Guidance From A Sex Therapist About ADHD and Relationships
Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) can change how you handle different parts of your life, especially when it comes to relationships. You may have ADHD, or your partner may have ADHD. It's not unusual for relationship difficulties to appear, which may also include sexual troubles.
The good news is that there is help for thriving with ADHD and creating an intimate relationship and a fulfilling sex life. Sex therapy is an evidence-based modality that can help neurodivergent and neurotypical partners overcome obstacles and enhance their relationship, in and out of the bedroom.
What is ADHD?
ADHD, or attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, is a neurodevelopmental disorder that creates different ways of thinking and moving through the world. It affects both children and adults and those with relationships to someone with ADHD.
The typical characteristics and symptoms of ADHD include hyperactivity, impulsivity, and challenges with attention. These symptoms can manifest as forgetfulness, being easily distracted, struggling with time management, having impulse control, difficulty focusing, or hyper-focusing.
There is nothing wrong with anyone with an attention deficit disorder, and there are ways to strengthen relationships if ADHD presents communication, sex, and compulsive behavior challenges. We have learned that neurodiverse and neurotypical minds both have their strengths and their challenges.
Understanding ADHD in the Context of Relationships
There are many ways partnerships with an ADHD individual can feel strained. Someone with ADHD can be easily frustrated, resent requests from partners, and distrust others. These feelings affect communication, trust, intimacy, and sexual health in a relationship and will snowball into more significant troubles.
The Impact of ADHD Symptoms on Intimacy
ADHD symptoms can upset the closeness between partners. Feelings of disconnection tend to arise, and one partner may feel they carry the relationship unequally. As these issues compound, happiness and romance can fall by the wayside.
Communication Obstacles and Sex Therapy for Couples Affected by ADHD
Mutual understanding with your partner is the cornerstone of a healthy relationship. When ADHD is added to the mix, the learning and communication styles are often mysterious and lead to misunderstandings.
It's essential to understand and find compassion with the different ways of processing information without the ADHD partner feeling like the source of the disconnect. Intimate relationships are a team, and everyone can participate in getting their needs met, feeling desired, and sexually satisfied. Getting here often takes work, but this groundwork is vital for these couples.
Communicating with your partner
ADHD clients benefit from learning how to express their feelings and desires clearly. Many times, an ADHD partner will be surprised that their partner doesn't know what they are thinking and feeling about essential things.
Here is a quote from an article that explains the theory of mind and ADHD to give a perspective on some more severe cases. "The cognitive ability known as theory of mind allows us to understand that other people have mental states such as thoughts, ideas, and knowledge that are different from our own. Deficits in theory of mind, commonly found in people with Aspergers syndrome* (ASD) and other related disorders, create barriers to social interaction, such as difficulty understand the actions, perspectives, reactions and intentions of others. When ADHD is severe enough, its resulting behaviors and characteristics can include theory-of-mind challenges."
*The use of Asperger's syndrome to describe some people has been replaced with the more inclusive Autism Spectrum Disorder but was included to honor the original quotation.
Communication with the neurotypical partner
Understanding your neurodivergent partner may seem daunting. The more you know how you work and your partner works, the more successful you will be in being an intimate couple. Blaming the other and resentments can cause so much damage to each other and the relationship, whereas being open, receptive, and early to help here makes the process much easier.
Remember that your partner has equal amounts of learning about themselves and you, too. This will help your relationship grow.
Sex Therapy for Communication Skills
You may be wondering, "Why sex therapy" for communication? Shouldn't sex therapy be more about sex?
Therapy is a positive way to learn about yourself and others by addressing past experiences, present challenges, and future desires. When you can also address specific portions of your life and how they relate, you'll notice that communication, sexual health, emotional wellness, and intimate relationships are a complex mix and not a linear pattern to follow.
Sex therapy is a targeted way to improve communication and understanding with your partner about intimacy. This supports more healthy communication and a robust sex life.
ADHD and Sexual Health
Many sexual dysfunctions can affect neurodivergent people. These are not exclusive to someone with adult ADHD but can be common among those with neurodivergence.
There can be a tendency toward extreme sexual behavior with attention deficit disorders. You may develop compulsive sexual behavior, which is sometimes called hypersexual behavior.
Conversely, low sex drive and minimal sexual interest, also called hyposexuality, may be the case.
Compulsive sexual behaviors
Hypersexuality may manifest as excessive masturbation or porn consumption. For some, this habit becomes so ingrained in daily life that breaking them seems impossible. Even when faced with the negative influence on relationships, this compulsion is difficult to alter.
It may be the case that specific masturbation techniques lead to orgasm, which can't be duplicated with a partner. Or, masturbation is used to relieve tension and get aroused, and sometimes it becomes compulsive.
These situations are not exclusive to the ADHD community, but for those with inattention or hyperfocus, the habits become more ingrained, and change is more complicated.
Additional sexual dysfunctions related to neurodivergence
In addition to the possible extremes of high or low libido, some people with ADHD may have:
Anorgasmia or difficulty reaching orgasm
Mood swings that impact sex drive and interactions with partners
A tendency toward risky sexual behavior
Sensory issues during sex – touches, smells, and tastes may interfere with pleasure
During intimacy, many neurodivergent individuals become distracted or do not feel aroused enough during sex with their partner. There may be a need for more variety or intensity. Sometimes, even slowing down is helpful.
Performance issues like anorgasmia in women and erectile dysfunction in men appear as connection and confidence wane. This can create more anxiety, and thus amplify any problems in the relationship.
You can see why masturbation and porn are so much easier and more comfortable for feeling good than sex with a partner.
The link to communication
The first step to enhancing a relationship is to work on the foundation. If you lean toward starting therapy for sexual challenges, you'll find that working on communicating leads to overcoming those challenges.
If you find interest in therapy to work on communication skills, you will discover that your sexual health and joyous intimacy are closely linked, too!
Sex Coaching for ADHD
Sex coaching focuses on the act of sex, while sex therapy is broader and deeper, addressing the root influences and traumas that need help.
Therapy is more helpful for neurodivergent people and their partners because ADHD is such a significant influence on a relationship and sex life. Sex coaching can touch on this but not go as deep.
You may already have coaching, medication, or neurofeedback that helps with ADHD and have made significant progress. Sex coaching can be helpful in some cases where there is clear self-awareness and the big-picture concerns are managed.
Where to Begin
No one's journey looks the same, and the same holds for a journey through therapy. When you choose to embrace sex therapy and work toward intimacy and pleasure, you'll find a unique path that is suited to your needs and desires.
Support and guidance are available in a confidential and non-judgemental environment. I would love to meet with you to discuss your needs in a complementary consultation.
Gain the knowledge and confidence to have a healthy and enjoyable sex life
Other Therapy Services by Cindy Michel, M.A., LMFT, CST
I offer in-person services in my Los Angeles office and online therapy for clients in California, New Mexico, and Florida.
Online sex therapy may not be the only service that you're looking for. I also offer other types of therapy services online, such as Individual and Couples Sex Therapy, Trauma Sex Therapy, EMDR Therapy, and Somatic Therapy. I also provide Sex Coaching Services. Please reach out if you want to learn more about my other services and explore if therapy or coaching is right for you.
*The use of Asperger's syndrome to describe some people has been replaced with the more inclusive Autism Spectrum Disorder but was included to honor the original quotation.